Melissa Times
Hillary Marks Historic Occasion in Denver
August 26th marks a very important anniversary. Especially for women. Know what it is? Neither did I.
This day marks the 88th anniversary of the day women were given the right to vote.
I didn’t know the date, and it made me realize that as a nation we don’t really celebrate that anniversary. It seems we have yet to find a way or the motivation to celebrate the contributions that women have made to America. But I bet my great-grandmother and grandmother celebrated August 26th.
Senator Hillary Clinton will, since tonight she will address the National Democratic convention. This is certain to be an impressive event, albeit, one that no one is really talking about. Why are women and their contributions still so far from newsworthy?
I went to graduate school for Women's Studies and was always shocked to hear people’s response when I told them my course of study.
"What exactly do you learn in Women’s Studies,” people would ask.
"Things I never learned growing up," I would respond.
I felt like I had to justify why on earth I would spend time and money learning more about women, as if to do so was a waste of time or some form of rebellion.
Women often feel like knowing more about women’s history is irrelevant since as a whole we have overcome so many challenges. But how far have we really come since that day in 1920 when we were finally able to cast a vote? Here is one way to figure that out: Write your salary on a postcard, slap it on a table, and challenge your male co-workers do the same. I bet that open comparison will show all women that 88 years has not been nearly enough time to level the playing field.
Despite the fact that Hillary Clinton received millions of votes, she alone cannot change the reality that many women still see themselves as inferior and accept less for themselves.
My bet is that the premiere of "The Hills" will get more viewers than Clinton’s speech. If so, women have no one to blame but ourselves for the lack of a holiday for us on August 26th - or on any day of the year.
This day marks the 88th anniversary of the day women were given the right to vote.
I didn’t know the date, and it made me realize that as a nation we don’t really celebrate that anniversary. It seems we have yet to find a way or the motivation to celebrate the contributions that women have made to America. But I bet my great-grandmother and grandmother celebrated August 26th.
Senator Hillary Clinton will, since tonight she will address the National Democratic convention. This is certain to be an impressive event, albeit, one that no one is really talking about. Why are women and their contributions still so far from newsworthy?
I went to graduate school for Women's Studies and was always shocked to hear people’s response when I told them my course of study.
"What exactly do you learn in Women’s Studies,” people would ask.
"Things I never learned growing up," I would respond.
I felt like I had to justify why on earth I would spend time and money learning more about women, as if to do so was a waste of time or some form of rebellion.
Women often feel like knowing more about women’s history is irrelevant since as a whole we have overcome so many challenges. But how far have we really come since that day in 1920 when we were finally able to cast a vote? Here is one way to figure that out: Write your salary on a postcard, slap it on a table, and challenge your male co-workers do the same. I bet that open comparison will show all women that 88 years has not been nearly enough time to level the playing field.
Despite the fact that Hillary Clinton received millions of votes, she alone cannot change the reality that many women still see themselves as inferior and accept less for themselves.
My bet is that the premiere of "The Hills" will get more viewers than Clinton’s speech. If so, women have no one to blame but ourselves for the lack of a holiday for us on August 26th - or on any day of the year.
See Hillary's speech here...
There I Am, Crying In A Department Store Dressing Room
Yep. I hate clothes shopping, and have on more than one occasion cried from the experience.
Why?
A department store dressing room is the one place that can make every woman feel far less attractive than she had originally seen herself in her mind. Dressing room mirrors are the event horizon of a black hole of ego, where even the most seemingly confident woman can go in and come out a shell of herself.
I am not one you would consider to be overweight, even though I could stand to jump on the exercise equipment I have stored in a guest room. My issue is the way my body was made. Much like a 2 X 4, if it swallowed a canteloupe. What I mean is I have no chest or hips, so when I do gain weight it is all in my lower abs. All of it. And when they make clingy cotton shirts and low-rise jeans as the standard for young women, my body becomes the Before picture personal trainers use to seduce clients. You can't get much more focused on my problem area than to wear the fashions of today.
And bless Sara Blakely and her Spanx, but sometimes her miracle cure tends to spread my love of chocolate to other areas, rather than making my bulge disappear.
Maybe they can create a circus mirror that would make every woman look like the models on those banners that are conveniently hung in the store, so that way everyone walks out with a smile on their face. They'd certainly see an increase in sales instead of seeing piles of clothes like mine on dressing room benches.
It Really Is About The Little Things
I was sitting with my mother - Millie Pete - recently, and as two women can do for hours, we talked about random things.
The conversation lead to something special my father did for her just before his death. It made me realize that despite all those concerns couples have about how to impress each other, and the world, what it really comes down to are small things.
My parents were married for 50 years before he died of cancer in 2001. And I'm sure they had plenty of ups and downs, my even having witnessed some of them growing up, but once they reached their elder-years things were different. There were no kids at home, no job to rush off to, and more countertop space dedicated to medicine bottles.
What was left for them in the end was their reliance on their friendship. And here's a note to all parents - what's most charming to your children is the thought that you are more into each other than you are into your children, regardless of how old you are.
My father never missed bringing my mother chocolates for Valentine's Day or a big gift for her birthday.
Even though we limited the gifts given at Christmas, he always ignored that restriction and piled them up for Mom.
Bob Carter was great in the garden, and planted a rose bush so he could bring her the clippings.
He even made her mixed-tapes in his 70's.
So during my recent conversation with Millie Pete, she mentioned something he had given her before his death that I didn't know about.
Dad struggled with cancer for about a year before he died, and became unable to leave the house during that time. When Valentine's Day and Mom's birthday came around, he was unable to go shopping for her himself and apparently didn't want anyone else to do the shopping for her. So, he gave her something that made her light up when talking to me about it.
Letters.
He wrote a long letter to her each of those days, simply to tell her what she meant to him in his life. Facing death can make anyone less insecure about expressing themselves, but those letters are something Mom pulls out an re-reads now that he is no longer here.
So what did they say? Thank you. That he appreciated her as a wife and mother. And other things she'll never share.
Who cares about the homes they lived in, the cars they drove, the styles they wore? True romance came from a man in a housecoat attached to an oxygen tank.
Thanks, Dad, for teaching me how it could be.
A One-Legged Swimmer from Alabama Showed Me What Life Is All About
First, I know many Bert Show listeners were following my progress when it came to my Track & Field training for the 2008 Transplant Games. One of the reasons I make the pilgrimage to the Transplant Games every two years is to remind me of how far I've come since my kidney transplant in 2002.
But it's about more than my physical transformation from that hospital bed at Piedmont Hospital here in Atlanta to the track at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh. It's the emotional part as well, and the attitude toward life these athletes and donors try to take with them when they go back to their trying lives.
Take, for instance, Vivienne. She is a Transplant Athlete from Alabama who competed in swimming last week. When Katie, my cousin/donor Pam, and I went to support another Team Georgia member in her swimming competition, we couldn't get into the crowded poolside area. Instead we went to observe her race from an enclosed observation deck, where we realized many upstairs were staring at one particular area. There, a woman was in the pool at the end of her lane, holding on to the side and facing the wall as if to catch her breath.
And that's exactly what Vivienne was doing, despite the fact the rest of her competitors had long since left the pool, and another race was beginning next to her, she was going to finish that race.
A paramedic wheelchair-ready, her Team Captain, other teammates, representatives from the Transplant Games, and all the eyes of those in the swimming area. That was the backdrop as Vivienne inched her way - sometimes on her own and other times by grabbing the plastic rope that outlined her lane - all the way down the pool and back again. While it took several men to help her out, the cheers and tears from everyone who could see announced that Vivienne had indeed finished that race, no matter how long it took her. And that was also the moment most saw that Vivienne not only was a transplant recipient by being an athlete, she had also done this with only one leg.
Katie said afterward that the Transplant Games were the most non-toxic environment one can be part of since everyone there is supporting everyone else. The transplant recipients are there for the donors. The donors are there for the transplant recipients. Spectators are there for both. And the whole event is for the 100,000 people nationwide who are waiting on a life-saving transplant.
I love my medals. They serve as a symbol of goals I wanted for myself back when I couldn't even walk up a flight of stairs. But I understand they don't symbolize the best of what the Games offer. That is the overall gift of life, the promotion of giving it through organ donation and the celebration of that extension of living. Medal or not.
We're alive and trying stoically to finish our race. That's what it's all about.
So, thank you. Vivienne, and everyone in Pittsburgh for reminding me of that and giving me the hope I can maintain that attitude until the next U.S. Games in 2010.
But it's about more than my physical transformation from that hospital bed at Piedmont Hospital here in Atlanta to the track at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh. It's the emotional part as well, and the attitude toward life these athletes and donors try to take with them when they go back to their trying lives.
Take, for instance, Vivienne. She is a Transplant Athlete from Alabama who competed in swimming last week. When Katie, my cousin/donor Pam, and I went to support another Team Georgia member in her swimming competition, we couldn't get into the crowded poolside area. Instead we went to observe her race from an enclosed observation deck, where we realized many upstairs were staring at one particular area. There, a woman was in the pool at the end of her lane, holding on to the side and facing the wall as if to catch her breath.
And that's exactly what Vivienne was doing, despite the fact the rest of her competitors had long since left the pool, and another race was beginning next to her, she was going to finish that race.
A paramedic wheelchair-ready, her Team Captain, other teammates, representatives from the Transplant Games, and all the eyes of those in the swimming area. That was the backdrop as Vivienne inched her way - sometimes on her own and other times by grabbing the plastic rope that outlined her lane - all the way down the pool and back again. While it took several men to help her out, the cheers and tears from everyone who could see announced that Vivienne had indeed finished that race, no matter how long it took her. And that was also the moment most saw that Vivienne not only was a transplant recipient by being an athlete, she had also done this with only one leg.
Katie said afterward that the Transplant Games were the most non-toxic environment one can be part of since everyone there is supporting everyone else. The transplant recipients are there for the donors. The donors are there for the transplant recipients. Spectators are there for both. And the whole event is for the 100,000 people nationwide who are waiting on a life-saving transplant.
I love my medals. They serve as a symbol of goals I wanted for myself back when I couldn't even walk up a flight of stairs. But I understand they don't symbolize the best of what the Games offer. That is the overall gift of life, the promotion of giving it through organ donation and the celebration of that extension of living. Medal or not.
We're alive and trying stoically to finish our race. That's what it's all about.
So, thank you. Vivienne, and everyone in Pittsburgh for reminding me of that and giving me the hope I can maintain that attitude until the next U.S. Games in 2010.
Run, Melissa, Run....All The Way To A BRONZE MEDAL!!
Yes, the title is to the tune of Forrest Gump, since I am in the middle of training for a 100 meter race.
I heard you. Melissa? RUNNING? It's for a good cause, since I am an athlete in the Transplant Games.
Being a kidney transplant recipient, I participate in this great event since it shows that transplantation works. Most of these athletes were on their death bed before their surgeries, and now they are participating in events like swimming, cycling, tennis, basketball, and (like me) track and field.
Have I ever been on a track before this? No.... Do I have a chance to medal? Um, no.... But I wanted to try something new this time, and picked this short dash as my sport. Thank goodness for my girlfriend, Katie Jo (who is a runner), since she is trying to help me not come in last. And she brings a camcorder to the practice sessions to help show me the way, bless her heart.
But the Games are much more than your athletic performance (even though so many there are hard core), since it's always emotional for me to be there and remember where I've been - and not to forget. You find, even with a chronic illness, life tends to creep back in your head and you get caught up in schedules and stress. But going to Pittsburgh will help me go back to 2002 when I received my kidney, and remember all the others in hospitals across the country that are waiting just to be there with us.
Best of all my cousin Pam, my kidney donor, will be there. Since she lives in Oregon I don't get to see her enough, and I look forward to our spending the week together and her getting to meet Katie Jo for the first time.
But back to the comedy. Check out my running progress below if you dare....but please don't think less of me.
The Beginning
Part Two
UPDATE: Did I think I had a chance to medal? No. Did I? YES!! Check on the final race below where I came in 3rd and won the Bronze!! Thanks, Katie Jo. As usual, you save my butt from embarassment...
The Official Race
Told You So - Gay Marriage IS Money
This is actually a follow-up to a previous blog a few months ago....
A new study out this week estimates that lesbians and gays will spend $684 million on cakes, photographers, and other services over the next three years due to the new marriage rules in California. (Unless, of course, voters make the high court's ruling null this Fall.)
Researchers found that about half of the state's 100,000 same-sex couples will get married, and another 68,000 out-of-state couples will travel to California to exchange vows. The study estimates that over that period, gay weddings will generate $64 million in tax revenue for the state, $9 million in marriage-license fees for counites, and some 2,200 jobs.
The Sunday Paper and I told you so.....
A new study out this week estimates that lesbians and gays will spend $684 million on cakes, photographers, and other services over the next three years due to the new marriage rules in California. (Unless, of course, voters make the high court's ruling null this Fall.)
Researchers found that about half of the state's 100,000 same-sex couples will get married, and another 68,000 out-of-state couples will travel to California to exchange vows. The study estimates that over that period, gay weddings will generate $64 million in tax revenue for the state, $9 million in marriage-license fees for counites, and some 2,200 jobs.
The Sunday Paper and I told you so.....
From Clark Kent to Superman....In The Front Seat Of My Car
Sometimes I do feel like a Superhero, where I have one persona in public and live a very different life behind-the-scenes. Except with me, my "super powers" are displayed on air, while my awkward Clark-Kentish geekness is what life is like for me in my private life.
First, let me say what an honor it always is as a dj to be able to talk openly about my sexuality. And whenever I get the opportunity to do so outside of the radio station, it is humbling. That was the case on Friday, when Home Depot's Pride Network gave me the honor of speaking at their event.
The purpose was to share with the audience how I, as an openly gay employee, have found success in my career. So, of course I had to spit-shine my image from my t-shirt, jeans, and Rainbow sandals in the studio to something more professional at Home Depot's corporate offices.
Just as Mr. Kent has to switch his outfit in a phone booth before being seen in his tights, my wardrobe change came in my hybrid SUV. I brought my suit to work but decided not to change in the public bathroom, because I didn't want to completely shock my co-workers....or make them think I was going on a job interview.
When someone has to change in a car, the first thing that has to be done is find a secure location. Mine was a hotel parking lot next to Home Depot's corporate building, but in a shady corner so that those in their room couldn't see my untanned parts through their hotel windows. Then you have to scoot back your seat (after the odd second you forget where that scooting lever is) with the new shirt in your lap. Women know how to take off the old shirt and slide the new one on in one fail swoop, slide the bra through the sleeve, change the jeans to the slacks without moving their upper body, and flip off the sandals into the floorboard for pumps. I then combed the hair, smacked the lipstick, threw on my jacket, and was ready to go face the suits. Or maybe the orange aprons in this case.
Walking confidently into the lobby, I greeted the security guard with an excited smile. But I couldn't completely hide my awkward self since I forgot my picture ID, and had to make the shameless walk back to my vehicular closet to get proof of who I am.
But I got to the stage on time, and could now tell you all I talked about. But I find it serves you best to instead read the official e-mail critique from Home Depot:
Our GLBT Pride Network Affinity Group had a rousing start to our "month of events" with guest speaker Melissa Carter, Atlanta's first (and only) lesbian DJ on the morning drive, Q-100. Melissa shared her life story to an audience of 150 gay and straight associates in the Atlanta SSC Friday afternoon, June 6. She asked for a show of hands on how many in the audience were straight - probably 80% of the crowd. So the good news is - we are taking openly visible baby steps to diversity here at The Home Depot!
Bruce Merino, SVP of Merchandising, introduced Melissa and welcomed the associates to this event. Bruce is a 24-year veteran of The Home Depot and was our first associate hired for the Western Division. He brought greetings from the executive leadership team at THD and represented that our leadership team is 100% supportive of all of The Home Depot's diversity initiatives and affinity groups. "We recognized early in the Western Division that to be successful in the retail industry you have to mirror your community."
Melissa is a member of "The Bert Show" on All the Hits Q100, Atlanta's #1 morning show. She is also a DJ on Twist, a nationally syndicated radio talk and music show geared specifically to the GLBT market; aired Sunday evenings.
Melissa shared her life story; her journey from being a high school closeted teenager in a small town in Columbia, Tennessee to the "cool straight friend of gays" at the University of Tennessee to a successful "out" DJ in Atlanta, Ga. 25 years later. Each stage came with measured decisions on her part on how to handle being a lesbian. As a teenager in Tennessee she kept praying "god, please don't let me be gay". To come full circle, she is taking her partner Katie Jo to her 25th high school reunion this summer. She related to the audience her experiences of "pre" and "post" being open and honest about her sexuality. She spoke of the power of being out and open compared to being closeted. "When you are in the closet you are qualified to work for the FBI because you become so good with secrets...keeping up with what you have told to whom; who knows; who doesn't; what people think; you become very good at lying and spying. And it is very exhausting."
Once in Atlanta Melissa eventually decided to come out; she first informed her family in Tennessee (and has not been disowned she said
. She then volunteered to be the "winning date" for a gay date contest on radio 99-X, the first radio station she worked for in Atlanta. She related that she has had a good experience coming out and that her co-workers have been very supportive and accepting of her and her partner. "I have been gay all my life" she told the audience, "and like many of your associates both here and in the stores who are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender - they have too - they just don't always know it, or act upon it, or come out. I challenge you as managers at The Home Depot to insure your gay associates have a good experience in coming out or being out. Be sure they are evaluated based on merit; not based on anything else. They should be promoted just like any other associate...on merit. It is up to you to create a safe environment for them in their work life; after all, our work life is where we spend MOST of our time!!"
. She then volunteered to be the "winning date" for a gay date contest on radio 99-X, the first radio station she worked for in Atlanta. She related that she has had a good experience coming out and that her co-workers have been very supportive and accepting of her and her partner. "I have been gay all my life" she told the audience, "and like many of your associates both here and in the stores who are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender - they have too - they just don't always know it, or act upon it, or come out. I challenge you as managers at The Home Depot to insure your gay associates have a good experience in coming out or being out. Be sure they are evaluated based on merit; not based on anything else. They should be promoted just like any other associate...on merit. It is up to you to create a safe environment for them in their work life; after all, our work life is where we spend MOST of our time!!"
Melissa gets fan emails from listeners and reports she has never received any "hate email" from fans regarding being a lesbian. It breaks her heart that she occasionally receives emails from teenage listeners who are struggling with being gay and not accepted by their families, reaching out to Melissa as a community leader and a friendly voice.
On the "glass ceiling for gays" she believes the ceiling is more associated with gender than sexual orientation. She encourages the GLBT community to be active in politics at all levels, not just national. "Know your local politicians; run for office; write articles; be heard - don't be visible". She acknowledges the environment around gay marriage in Georgia and compared it to the environment around the illegality of inter-racial marriage 30 years ago. "They were making the same arguments about inter-racial couples - against the bible; wrong; not right....and look how far we have come on inter-racial marriages!" She encouraged us to persist.
Thanks, Home Depot for the honor. And thank you for keeping my other identity a secret. (Pay no attention to the bra strap hanging out of my jacket sleeve.)
Thanks, Home Depot for the honor. And thank you for keeping my other identity a secret. (Pay no attention to the bra strap hanging out of my jacket sleeve.)
The Etiquette Of Golf for the Pros
I played my first 18 holes of golf this weekend. Granted, it was best ball, so there was no score kept and I really didn't hit and stay with my shots the whole time. But I do have a sense of accomplishment since my intimidation level of the game has decreased.
But my ease of the game has nothing to do with the people in the pro shop.
Some friends of mine were kind enough to invite me and Katie Jo up to the North Georgia mountains for Memorial Day weekend that would include a round of golf. We both jumped at the chance, since neither of us has played a full round of golf like that before, and didn't have a complete sense of what to have/wear/or do.
What you have is a set of clubs for each person, or the course will charge you for a rental set. I had the rental set.
What you wear is a collared shirt, no denim, and appropriate shoes (tennis or running shoes will do). I at least knew this, but still had to buy a few more things at the shop, during which one staff member whispered to me, "Are you playing?" When I said I was not going to until the next day, he responded, "Good," and pointed to my t-shirt to make sure I knew it was inappropriate.
What you do is feel lesser-than those that have played the game for awhile, since it seems golf pros don't want a newbie like Katie or myself to feel welcomed to the game.
I have to be fair, since my friends are frequent visitors to this particular resort and enjoy their experience every time, but I have to be honest since I am not a frequent visitor and did not feel welcomed in the golf shop by anyone other than my friends.
One thing I admired about my father, who was a star basketball player in his youth, is his sense that if you are a fan of a sport then you are a fan of everyone playing that sport. It was as if basketball was something special he wanted everyone to experience. So he would watch and cheer on any men or women that would play the game. I guess I had come across plenty of men who had made fun of women in sports that my old-school jock father's admiration for women like Pat Summitt was something I was impressed by. And it taught me what being a true sports fan was all about.
This has nothing to do with gender bias, just stranger bias. It seems one has to prove oneself before being deemed worthy to play on a golf course. Before I even get there I have to buy or rent expensive clubs, get expensive clothes, and pay an expensive membership fee or know someone who has. Katie said to me as we left the pro shop (with a suspicious escort carrying our rental clubs), "We have to pay to be treated like this."
I was fortunate as a kid to live near a country club where my elementary school friends and I played tennis as often as we could. Having grown up around the game, I have never felt intimidated by it or the people that play it. But I do recognize the tendency by tennis players to behave in this same condescending manner. But at least with tennis you have the opportunity to play anywhere from the country clubs to apartment complexes. With golf, you almost always have to enter into the realm of athletic classism.
Maybe I hit up people for my golf game fee and accessories on a busy holiday weekend and they were just in a bad mood. I hope so, since once I was out on the course I fell in love. Katie and I had such a great time being out in nature, learning from our very generous friends on technique and how to improve each hole, and seeing our game actually get better, we now are the proud owners of a....golf storage rack. Yes, since we still have to learn what to get, and how much a novice should actually spend on equipment, we simply have the space to be golfers. Someday we'll fill it with plaid-laden goodness.
But I do think those who are indeed golf snobs should respect their own game more, and like my father and friends, excite other people into joining in on the fun.
How Adventurous Are You?
Remember the movie Mask? The main character, Rocky Dennis, was planning a European motorcycle trek with his best friend, but then was disappointed (albeit mortally) by his friend's decision to back out from the trip. We all thought at one point or another watching the movie how cool and freeing would it be to take a cross-country trip like that. Then we responded to ourselves somewhere in our brain, "But now I'm too old, or have too many responsibilities, or am too broke".....blah, blah, blah.
I just returned from a bon voyage cookout for a friend who is doing what Rocky wanted to. But instead of going to Europe, he and some friends are traveling to the Northern-most part of the country and then back down to the Southern-most part. He has created a website that shows the route and will share pictures along his 9-week journey.
It made me ask myself what kind of adventurous spirit I had. And the conclusion was.....none. I've never been much of a doer, just a dreamer. I can't honestly think of an adventurous thing I've done. I hate to fly so I've basically been USA-bound when it comes to traveling. I don't drive a motorcycle, surf, snow ski, repel, rock climb, bungee jump, ride a horse, hunt, kick box, kayak, even jog.
What happened along the way to make me so boring?
As a kid I thought I'd be an astronaut. I still love anything that deals with Astronomy, but again being afraid to fly seems to contradict that passion.
I've even mentioned to people that if I had undergone my kidney disease and transplant as a kid I'd likely be a doctor. But why as a kid and not an adult? Why should there be the sense when you're older that your time is up?
Not Curtis. He still has that spirit. I wish him good luck on your trip across America, and hope he enjoys the adventure!
Ahem. Ladies and Gentleman.....Let Me Introduce NIKKO.
So I told you about my new kitty in another blog, and thank you to everyone who had some great suggestions. But the final choice is Nikko, and now he can stop sticking his tongue out at me for keeping him nameless for so long.
Why Nikko? I have this odd way of naming cats based on their breed, and since he is Siamese I had to have an Asian name. Actually I changed the spelling from the Italian form, since that was Katie Jo's character name in the Wii Godfather game. Because that fictional mafia character was a part of my television most of this year *grumble* that is who I named the new member of my family after. Maybe Katie will play with the feline version as much.
Thank you to everyone who gave their ideas, but it wasn't entirely in vain. One listener suggested Hiro from Heroes, and that has become his middle name.