To Be A Mom, Or Not To Be A Mom....
Posted by Melissa Carter at 10/9/2007 8:09 PM 
Categories: uncategorized
Tags: gay Mom Melissa Bert Show Bert Show Q100 fertility kidney transplants lesbian children
Categories: uncategorized
Tags: gay Mom Melissa Bert Show Bert Show Q100 fertility kidney transplants lesbian children
I won't have it as good as my parents. But I will do my best to achieve a big chunk of it.
Ideally children are meant to do better and have more than their parents. My parents were married for 50- years, had 3 children, and built the home I grew up in. And, once retired, they were able to live debt-free.
As a gay woman, my path isn't as smooth in regards to life's goals like marriage and children.
This came to mind after I shared with The Bert Show my decision to freeze my eggs. It was last Friday when I had my consultation with the fertility doctor about my choices. It's not that I plan on being a mother any time soon, but I want to be able to still have the choice to be a natural mother when the time comes. As a kidney transplant recipient, and a woman in my late-30's, I didn't want to take for granted that I - or my eggs - will be at optimum health in a few years if my girlfriend and I decide to start a family.
When in a lesbian relationship, you never have an "accident." There's never a rush to the drug store in a panic for strips to pee on. And even if you decide to plan the family, you have to be creative in the ways to bring your children into this world. Adoption? Sperm donor? From a sperm bank or from a personal friend? Who will carry the child?
And then you have to consider where you live. As much as I love Atlanta, local government is not very accommodating when it comes to helping both gay parents be legally connected to the children. In other words, if I delivered the baby it isn't a guarantee in Georgia that Katie Jo could legally adopt it, and vice-versa. If we adopted, both of our names might not be allowed on the adoption papers.
It's amazing that some people are so vocal in their stance against gay marriage, yet have no understanding of the practical aspects of allowing me to legally wed. This is one of those areas. A couple we know who want children are seriously considering leaving Georgia so that they can be more trusting of their local government. What a shame.
And then you also have to consider what schools will be more accepting of your child over another, as I would not want my child to be the only student with gay parents. I felt alone growing up, and don't plan on creating a situation where my child would feel the same.
...Whew...
I'm tired already. And my eggs aren't even in the cooler yet. The next step for me is a blood test to determine the health of my eggs, and with a thumbs-up the girls are headed to the freezer. That test will be in a couple of weeks.
My parents, Bob and Millie Pete, are my role models. They certainly weren't perfect, and I'm coming to terms with the fact that I don't have to be in order to have a family of my own. But I appreciate the possibilities they laid out for me. And if I am able to capture a fraction of their success, any potential children of mine will get a good head start.
Ideally children are meant to do better and have more than their parents. My parents were married for 50- years, had 3 children, and built the home I grew up in. And, once retired, they were able to live debt-free.
As a gay woman, my path isn't as smooth in regards to life's goals like marriage and children.
This came to mind after I shared with The Bert Show my decision to freeze my eggs. It was last Friday when I had my consultation with the fertility doctor about my choices. It's not that I plan on being a mother any time soon, but I want to be able to still have the choice to be a natural mother when the time comes. As a kidney transplant recipient, and a woman in my late-30's, I didn't want to take for granted that I - or my eggs - will be at optimum health in a few years if my girlfriend and I decide to start a family.
When in a lesbian relationship, you never have an "accident." There's never a rush to the drug store in a panic for strips to pee on. And even if you decide to plan the family, you have to be creative in the ways to bring your children into this world. Adoption? Sperm donor? From a sperm bank or from a personal friend? Who will carry the child?
And then you have to consider where you live. As much as I love Atlanta, local government is not very accommodating when it comes to helping both gay parents be legally connected to the children. In other words, if I delivered the baby it isn't a guarantee in Georgia that Katie Jo could legally adopt it, and vice-versa. If we adopted, both of our names might not be allowed on the adoption papers.
It's amazing that some people are so vocal in their stance against gay marriage, yet have no understanding of the practical aspects of allowing me to legally wed. This is one of those areas. A couple we know who want children are seriously considering leaving Georgia so that they can be more trusting of their local government. What a shame.
And then you also have to consider what schools will be more accepting of your child over another, as I would not want my child to be the only student with gay parents. I felt alone growing up, and don't plan on creating a situation where my child would feel the same.
...Whew...
I'm tired already. And my eggs aren't even in the cooler yet. The next step for me is a blood test to determine the health of my eggs, and with a thumbs-up the girls are headed to the freezer. That test will be in a couple of weeks.
My parents, Bob and Millie Pete, are my role models. They certainly weren't perfect, and I'm coming to terms with the fact that I don't have to be in order to have a family of my own. But I appreciate the possibilities they laid out for me. And if I am able to capture a fraction of their success, any potential children of mine will get a good head start.
You make some really great points. I find it discouraging that me, my partner and son are very limited as to where we can live comfortably and securely as a gay family. So until things change, we'll be redneck transplants in yankee country, listening to you online
Reply to this
Wow. I am a 25-year-old bisexual woman who's "married" to her partner of almost 5 years. I'm new to the ATL area; I recently moved from IL, and I have to say that one of my biggest concerns was the government/political atmosphere. It was especially hard being from a more liberal state (though the town I was in was more moderately conservative overall).
I think a lot of people react impulsively to this subject without realizing just how much it affects GLBT people. I really wish that people that oppose this topic, especially the outspoken ones, would do some research. I mean, usually their main point is that it would destroy the sanctity of marriage which would ultimately be the demise of the modern world. Like heteros are doing such a great job of perserving our upstanding society!
I have to say that in the month I've been in the northern ATL area, the best thing I've encountered is hearing a lesbian on the radio talk openly about her life as if it were no big deal. Because that's exactly how it should be.
Reply to this
Good for you! I think you should definitely bring at least one child into the world! Being gay does not mean that you can't be a GREAT parent. In an interracial marriage, with a BEAUTIFUL (if I do say so myself ;o) ) biracial daughter, I do know at least some of what your fears are. And I must say, living in the Gwinnett area, I have been very pleasantly surprised at the acceptance of my daughter. It was one of my biggest fears that my daughter would be treated differently or have mean things said to her, because of the color of her parents' and her skin. Now she is only 3 right now so I still have my fears of when she starts school and kids are a little older. But I hope to have the same kind of surprise when that happens too. I can't wait until you are ready to start your family. Have you guys decided who will carry the little bundle?
Reply to this
Whenever you are ready just go for it!! There was a time not long ago when when everyone stopped to take a second look at interacial couples and children but I think nowadays most people don't even notice. I am not saying that there isn't still discrimination out there. Let's face it there always will be, but acceptance doesn't come about if everything stays the same all the time. Be the reason for change, and a wonderful example for the world and your child.
Reply to this
Melissa,
I have three children ages 21, 16, and 13. We live in Roswell, GA. The neighborhood has other gay families. My kids have always known other kids with gay parents. My youngest has two best friends who also have lesbian moms, they did not meet through the moms, they met in school! So my recommendation is a five mile move up 400, we have been accepted out here for over 10 years!
Reply to this
Melissa, I just read this, and your article is the FIRST EVER article I've read that has completely changed my mind on whether or not gay unions should be allowed to be recognized as "marriages." Please understand, I've always believed that gay unions should be able to be legally recognized so that, for instance, you could be able to make decisions for Katie Jo, just as a spouse would be able to, in the hospital and such... I just argued that marriage was meant to be between a "man and a woman" and I wanted to call it a "legal union" with equal rights or something if the partners were same sex. After reading your article, I had a new idea... I think there should be a "legal marriage," which differs from a "Biblical marriage..." this allows for those who argue that the Bible calls for marriage to only be between one man and one woman to have their marriage... but the legal one recognized by the government and the schools and the hospitals and the insurance companies to be one that looks only at commitment to each other and to the family, not just to biblical values or whatever...
Whatever you decide, please know that your consideration of this issue has helped expand the views of at least one listener/reader of yours... and that I, and many others are pulling for you and Katie Jo to expand your family, whenever the time feels right!!
Best to you,
Jill Dotter
Reply to this
A local Georgia organization, the MEGA Family Project offers great resources and support for same-sex couples with kids (or those thinking about it).
http://www.megafamilyproject.com/
Reply to this
Hey Melissa don't think this is a judgemental comment or anything like that, actually I admire you and believe me or not, I always include you in my prayers since I am a Christian (but not crazy!!! I love Jesus and accept his love for me and just want to live the life he offers for all of us believing that he really cares for all of us).
I just get a little confused when comes to be pregnant as a lesbian ... where the sperm is coming from???? If you opt for a sperm bank don't you think is really weird??? As you said, who will carry the children?
Well Melissa just allow me to give you an opinion, just ask God to lead you in the right decision... Jesus loves you so much and you will be always in my prayers. Take care
Reply to this