Toby
Posted by Melissa Q-100 at 10/25/2007 5:40 AM and is filed under uncategorized 
It's been difficult to write this blog, since documenting the event would make it real. But it is indeed real, and my constant companion of 12 years is now running free in far greener and bigger back yards than Sandy Springs.
I got home around 3pm on October 17th to find my Golden Retriever lying in a seemingly casual position on the living room floor. But seeing his blonde frame a little too close to a chair for comfort and his mouth partially open, I realized something was wrong.
He tried to lift his head in acknowledgment of my return, but could only manage to move his ears. He was staring straight ahead, a little above where I was squatting next to him, and it wasn't until my girlfriend arrived at my request that it was determined he could no longer see.
When you are responsible for an elderly animal, you are constantly watching for signs telling you it's time to make "the call" to the vet. But if there is a shred of hope that they're simply having a "bad day," you put that decision off for another time - a time when your heart can bear the thought of playing God. It wasn't until these past few months of watching Toby's decline that I had an actual sadness for God, who has to make that final decision every single day for multiple lives, doing so amidst the deafening prayers of desperation from those around the sick.
And this was one dog, who was not simply having a "bad day." This day was blatantly to be his last. So I made the call.
Dr. Michael Good, with Town and Country Vet in Marietta and the Founder of the Homeless Pets Foundation, has
been Toby's vet most of his life. Knowing that Dr. Good, who is so passionate in the cause of animals, would be the one to ease Toby out of his current state brought me peace.
I didn't know what to expect, having never been present during a procedure like this before. But I had made a promise to this treasured friend, who had guarded me through conscience-shaking break-ups, moved with me at least 6 times, sat next to me as I cried over my deceased father, watched my kidneys fail and my body go frail through dialysis, seen me revive with my kidney transplant, and watched as I struggled to allow myself to fall in love. I would not leave his side, since he never left mine. Unless, of course, he had the neighbor's tempting trash to burrow through.
And I was there, holding his head and stroking his soft fur for the last time. With Dr. Good, his assistant, my girlfriend Katie Jo, and dear friend a surrogate mother Barbara surrounding him, Toby left my watch. And I missed him instantly.
At 6-weeks-old he showed up off the street at a friend's doorstep in Little Five Points in 1995. I had just pulled up in her driveway when she discovered him by hitting him with her screened door. Seeing that tiny blonde ball of mangy fur was love at first sight for me. My friend couldn't take him in, which allowed me the fortunate opportunity of spending his life with him. At 12-years-old, he gave me one of his special "hugs" for the final time last week, before an aneurysm ended all activity for him.
I am proud to have been Toby's guardian, and hope I can see him barking and running to tackle his Mom again when God makes "the call" for me.
I got home around 3pm on October 17th to find my Golden Retriever lying in a seemingly casual position on the living room floor. But seeing his blonde frame a little too close to a chair for comfort and his mouth partially open, I realized something was wrong.
He tried to lift his head in acknowledgment of my return, but could only manage to move his ears. He was staring straight ahead, a little above where I was squatting next to him, and it wasn't until my girlfriend arrived at my request that it was determined he could no longer see.
When you are responsible for an elderly animal, you are constantly watching for signs telling you it's time to make "the call" to the vet. But if there is a shred of hope that they're simply having a "bad day," you put that decision off for another time - a time when your heart can bear the thought of playing God. It wasn't until these past few months of watching Toby's decline that I had an actual sadness for God, who has to make that final decision every single day for multiple lives, doing so amidst the deafening prayers of desperation from those around the sick.
And this was one dog, who was not simply having a "bad day." This day was blatantly to be his last. So I made the call.
Dr. Michael Good, with Town and Country Vet in Marietta and the Founder of the Homeless Pets Foundation, has
been Toby's vet most of his life. Knowing that Dr. Good, who is so passionate in the cause of animals, would be the one to ease Toby out of his current state brought me peace.
I didn't know what to expect, having never been present during a procedure like this before. But I had made a promise to this treasured friend, who had guarded me through conscience-shaking break-ups, moved with me at least 6 times, sat next to me as I cried over my deceased father, watched my kidneys fail and my body go frail through dialysis, seen me revive with my kidney transplant, and watched as I struggled to allow myself to fall in love. I would not leave his side, since he never left mine. Unless, of course, he had the neighbor's tempting trash to burrow through.
And I was there, holding his head and stroking his soft fur for the last time. With Dr. Good, his assistant, my girlfriend Katie Jo, and dear friend a surrogate mother Barbara surrounding him, Toby left my watch. And I missed him instantly.
At 6-weeks-old he showed up off the street at a friend's doorstep in Little Five Points in 1995. I had just pulled up in her driveway when she discovered him by hitting him with her screened door. Seeing that tiny blonde ball of mangy fur was love at first sight for me. My friend couldn't take him in, which allowed me the fortunate opportunity of spending his life with him. At 12-years-old, he gave me one of his special "hugs" for the final time last week, before an aneurysm ended all activity for him.
I am proud to have been Toby's guardian, and hope I can see him barking and running to tackle his Mom again when God makes "the call" for me.
Melissa--I am so sorry for your loss. I'm not sure I would be able to do the right thing and say goodbye the way you did. We lost our beloved golden retriever Abby in May very suddenly. We let her outside to go potty and she laid down in the yard and died. She was very young, only 7 and for no apparent reason, her heart gave out. We miss her everyday, my heart goes out to you.
Reply to this
I'm so sorry for your loss. I know this was so difficult to write but you described him so sweetly and my heart and prayers go out to you.
Reply to this
Melissa,
I don't know how to tell you how sorry I am. I know he is in a better place now but it doesn't stop the hurt for you. You will be in my prayers. I don't think some people realize that loosing an animal that has been with you that long can be almost like loosing a child.
Reply to this
I am so very sorry for your loss. I have lost pets before and I know how devastating it is. They really are a part of the family. Rest assure that Toby is running around somewhere up there with lots of other dogs and people waiting for us to get there!
Reply to this
Melissa, my heart goes out to you in your time of loss. Your faith in your companion of 12 years, your love for animals, and your ultimate outlook on life have blessed my day. Thanks for sharing and allowing me to cry with a friend.
God Bless.
Mel
Reply to this
Melissa,
I am a Q100 listener and felt compelled to read your blog and to give you my deepest condolonces. I am the proud mother of two boston terriers (Jagger and Sarge) and I know how hard this is on you. I too am a strong believer is not only the after life for us but for our 4 legged children. I hope that you can take comfort in that. I will be praying for you and I am so sorry again.
Reply to this
I am so sorry for your loss. My mother has my grandmother's toy poodle who was the only one with her when she passed, suddenly. She is about 13 years old and deaf and blind. So we have had these conversations and dread the day that you just went through. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you go through your loss.
Reply to this
Melissa,
I'm so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to tell you how touching it was to read your blog - the way you described Toby being with you through so much during the last 12 years and "playing God". You have a real talent for writing. Take care.
Reply to this
Melissa,
I am so, so sorry to read about your loss.
Reply to this
Melissa,
I am so sorry for your loss... I do know how you feel, sorta... I did not have to make this call... however, I did lose my dog Bear of almost 12 yrs this summer... in our case he simply "vanished" We searched for weeks, put up posters, went to the pounds, posted things on line, and nothing... when speaking to his vet he informed us that he had probably gone off some where to die... that a lot of animals do that... it was awful and hard to except, but it's been 5 months now.. so, I had to... I also had him from about 12 wks of age... so my house and my life have not been the same... as with you, I know he's in a better place... but, it doesn't make me miss him any less... much love to you and Katie Jo
Reply to this
Melissa,
I am so sorry to read about the loss of your beloved Toby. I recently experienced a similar loss with my friend of 12 years, Thunder, and had to make the same decision that it was time to let him cross the Rainbow Bridge. Knowing that he will have a new friend named Toby to run and play with makes my heart feel good. God bless you and know that your friend will alway be with you in your heart.
Reply to this
My heart goes out to you Melissa right now. I cannot imagine what it is like to lose a dear companion. When I was little we adopted a full-bred lab at 3 weeks, my mother had to bottle fed Boomer since his mother had milk fever. Boomer never knew he had a canine mother, my mother loved him like one of her sons. He was there for my mother and brother during my parent's horrible divorce. At 7 years old, he developed an inoperable tumor on his spine... something the vet said has happened to many full-bred labs recently. My mother had to painfully decide to either operate and he could be paralyzed or put him to sleep so he would be at peace. She let Boomer go, and I will never forget the pain that caused her. One year went by, my mother was healing alright but I decided to get her a Rescue Lab from Northshore Animal Hospital in Decatur. You see my mother needed someone to take care of her since I was here in Atlanta and my younger brother was away at college. Casey made the 9 hour trip with me to Ricmond for my mother's 50th birthday. The one year-old lab mix, who 6 months ago was found running on the streets of Decatur with collar-rot around his neck (imagine a puppy collar stuck on a almost fully grown dog, it had to be surgically removed), was so grateful for a loving home. And after my mother learned in time that no dog could ever replace Boomer, she was grateful to have someone to love her back. Casey is doing fine and I want you to know, in due time, I hope you'll find a new friend to share your life with. I do believe that Boomer's spirit lives in Casey...and helps protect and cherish my mother.
Reply to this
Melissa,
I am so sorry to read that you lost your beloved dog. I hope the pain will ease with time.
Reply to this
I am so sorry for your loss.
Reply to this
Melissa,
I am so very sorry for your loss. Your story has brought me to tears this morning as I am also faced with the tough decision to "play God" with my cat. My cat is almost 20 years old and she has pretty much been with me my entire life. Its a heart wrenching decision and I know what pain you are going through. God bless!
Lindsay
Reply to this
Hi, Melissa: So sorry to hear about Toby. It's never easy to lose a beloved pet. Tears still come when I think about Dempsey, our boxer who died suddenly a year and a half ago in March at age 8. But Barney the boxer is trying hard to fill the void and doing a pretty good job. Take care.
Love Karoline (and Jim)
Reply to this
Melissa~ I am so sorry for your loss. You wrote so beautifully though that I am sure that Toby would be proud of his mom. God bless you!
Christina
Reply to this
Melissa, I could hardly read your story as I knew how it was going to end. I know you are heartbroken and my heart is broken for you and for Toby. He is beautiful, by the way. I have to believe that there is a "Rainbow Bridge" and when we cross it, that all of our beloved pets are waiting for us on the other side. Please read a children's book entitled "Dog Heaven." It is precious and makes me feel better every time I read it. I hope when the time is right, that you will open your heart and home to another dog. There is one out there that needs you as much as you need him. Thanks for sharing yours and Toby's story. I know it was a hard story to tell. Here are two quotes that I hold dear: "Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole" and "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." May your hurt lessen every day and may your memories of Toby never fade. Carol
Reply to this
I share your pain. But from experience it never goes away....of course. But it does get easier.
Danielle
Reply to this
Melissa, I am so sorry for your lost, as I too know how you feel. Chyna my Rott, was my child for 5 years. She was only 4 weeks old when I received her as a gift. I spoiled her with everything, treats, toys, kisses, and all. I came home one day and found that this was not going to be a good day. I miss her so dearly. Tears run down my eyes even as I type this. She died 2 days before her birthday of September 1. My child is now gone, but she will forever remain in my heart. I find it hard to live alone now. I'm scared to be in the house alone. I never realized just how dependent I was on her. Please know that someone else feels your pain. Again I am sorry for any pet lover to have to experience such loss and pain.
Reply to this
Melissa,
I just read this and I wanted to tell you how sorry I am. The things you said were amazing - remember Toby loves his mom!
Reply to this
Melissa, I am so sorry to hear about Toby. We went through a very similar situation with our Golden Retriever, Casey, about 4 years ago. We got him the summer before I started Kindergarten and had to say goodbye the summer after I graduated high school. He was an amazing companion and I still keep a picture of him with me wherever I move. I'm waiting until I'm done with college and a little more settled down before I rescue my next Golden. Dogs really do become a member of your family and they offer such an unconditional love that most people cannot offer us. Take comfort that Toby is no longer suffering. Take care of yourself. It does get easier with time I promise!
Becky
Reply to this
Melissa, I am so sorry for your loss. Your writing is absolutely beautiful and I felt your emotion through your words. Rest in eternal peace Toby...
Reply to this
so sorry to hear of your lost. we lost our family pet, clifford, "son" to my husband. similarly we got him as a puppy from K-mart. he was a beautiful, loyal, faithful friend and protector to our family for 10 years and unfortnately died from prostate cancer. i didn't know male dogs could get this. so other readers ask your vet about checking your pet. like human prostate cancer it can be cured. again melissa so sad to hear of your loss.
Reply to this
Melissa I hope you get the opportunity to read this, it was sent to me from a friend who had just lost a pet and I thought about you and your loss I hope you enjoy it and it touches you as it did me.
Angel in the Postal Service
This is one of the kindest things I've ever experienced.
I have no way to know who sent it, but there is a kind soul working in the dead letter office of the US postal service.
Our 14 year old dog, Abbey, died last month.
The day after she died, my 4 year old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey. She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her. I told her that I thought we could so she dictated these words:
Dear God,
Will you please take care of my dog? She died yesterday
and is with you in heaven. I miss her very much. I am happy
that you let me have her as my dog even though she got sick.
I hope you will play with her. She likes to play with balls and
to swim. I am sending a picture of her so when you see her
you will know that she is my dog. I really miss her.
Love, Meredith.
We put the letter in an envelope with a picture of Abbey and Meredith and addressed it to God/Heaven. We put our return address on it.
Then Meredith pasted several stamps on the front of the envelope because she said it would take lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven. That afternoon she dropped it into the letter box at the post office. A few days later, she asked if God had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought He had.
Yesterday, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch addressed, 'To Meredith' in an unfamiliar hand.
Meredith opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers called, 'When a Pet Dies.' Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God in its opened envelope. On the opposite page was the picture of Abbey & Meredith and this note:
Dear Meredith,
Abbey arrived safely in heaven.
Having the picture was a big help. I recognized Abbey right away. Abbey isn't sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me just like it stays in your heart. Abbey loved being your dog. Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have any pockets to keep your picture in, so I am sending it back to you in this little book for you to keep and have something to remember Abbey by.
Thank you for the beautiful letter and thank your mother for helping you write it and sending it to me. What a wonderful mother you have. I picked her especially for you.
I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much.
By the way, I am wherever there is love.
Love, God
Reply to this
Melissa,
I just wanted to empathize. In June we had to make the call for our 13-year-old cat Gus. Isn't it strange how when the time comes, you just KNOW? You want to deny it, you want one more day with them, but you just KNOW that it's the right thing to do. It's really the final gift of love that you can give to someone who has loved you unconditionally for so long.
I still feel like I have this hole in my heart, but I know that with more time I'll eventually dwell more on all of the joy that he brought me. I hope that you find that place of peace and comfort, and always remember how much Toby meant to you.
Reply to this
oh wow. i am so sorry melissa. i listen to the show every day, i must have missed this. i have three cats, one is 16, one is 14 and the youngest at 8. i am petrified of their end. take care girl, thanks for sharing. Jean
Reply to this
I am so sorry for you, that really is the worst feeling the moment you realize it's time. I had that awful day this past June with my 15 year old cat. Just think of what a great life he had and how he will always love you.
Reply to this
I just tearfully read you post about loosing Tobey. After Christmas two years ago, we had to make the same painful call for our beloved Beauty, a precious dog that looked remarkably like Tobey. We live on a country road and someone dropped her off pregnant 15 years ago. She became the matron of our road, and all the neighbors loved her. She was well trained and incredibly loving. As Tobey, she never left my side. I miss her every day because she was so much a part of our life on Jackson Lake. She was smart as anything. If we came out the front door with a cooler in our hand, she'd race to the pontoon because she knew we were going on a boat ride--her favorite thing. I am sorry for your loss, but continue to enjoy and love her in your memories. They last forever.
Reply to this
Dear Melissa,
I am so sorry for your loss of Toby. I have had to make that call twice in the last three and will probably be making another one here soon. It is so hard!! Even on the vet's floor the last time, I was still saying "well, what if we try this..., but I am like you in that these are my children and the last voice (or rather sobs) they hear and face they see will be mine knowing that I am there with them until the end. Please take comfort in knowing that Toby looked to you to help end his suffering and you did the right thing by him. Again, I'm sorry for your loss and hope that your pain is eased as time goes by. You will see Toby again!!
Reply to this
Melissa,
I have been fortunate to have been owned by 4 dogs in my lifetime. 1 when I was a child (whom we weren't there when they put her down) and 3 mastiffs as an adult. 2 of these mastiffs I rescued from horrendous situations and my first I rescued from his "breeder" (if you can call him that) because he was going to put him down at 3 months because he had the long hair recessive gene. I lost Hampton to a nasal cavity tumor at 6 1/2 years. My second mastiff I took home hoping to give maybe 2 weeks of a great life when she was 6 1/2 and was able to give her almost 3 years. When I had to put them down it was the most painful yet beatiful thing I had to do for them. Currently I have a 7 1/2 year old, 200 pound mastiff who is a joker and loves to be around children. She comes to work with me whenever possible (I am a pediatric occupational therapist) because she feels she is needed and able to give her huge heart to others.
I know others have told you that time will ease the pain, it does and it desn't. I have made a scrapbook of my babies and am glad I was able to ease their pain and suffering in such aa humaine manner. I am very involved with the mastiff rescue which has helped me through my times of loss. My heart goes out to you, I have been there and know what a difficult decission you had to make.
Reply to this
When I was 8 years old I went away to a summer camp for a weekend. When I came home, a little golden ball of fur was waiting for me as a welcome home gift. It was a five week old golden retriever. We named her Chelsea. This July, she will turn 16 years old. She has been through everything with my family and I. My dad was in the Navy, so Chelsea has moved with us three times. She is my shoulder to cry on, and the best playmate you could ask for. She knows all of my secrets and is the best listener in the world. The day I moved out of my parents house, she sat in the driver's seat of my car the whole time I packed as if begging me not to go. It was one of the saddest things I have seen. Although she doesn't get around as well as she used to, and she is completely deaf, she still gets that "puppy" gleam in her eyes everytime I go to my parents'house. She is truly the sister I never had and always wanted! I can't even think about the day when she leaves us, and it totally broke my heart to read your story. I am so sorry that you lost your friend, but like you said, he is for sure in heaven waiting for the day you come up there to play with him!!
Reply to this
I am so sorry for your loss...losing your pet is just as hard as losing any other loved one...I will keep you in my thoughts!
Reply to this
that just made me cry....
Reply to this