R.I.P. Jaheem and Carl
Posted by Melissa Carter at 4/22/2009 10:49 AM 
Categories: uncategorized
Tags: Melissa gay suicide suicides Bert Show Bert Show Q100 bully lesbian bullying
Categories: uncategorized
Tags: Melissa gay suicide suicides Bert Show Bert Show Q100 bully lesbian bullying
What is wrong? Why can't we love each other and have fun together?
Bullying in school has resulted in multiple deaths just within the past couple weeks. I understand bullying happens to girls in school, but right now I want to focus on the bullying that happens by and to boys because of the lives recently lost.
Last week 11-year-old Jaheem Herrera hanged himself at his home after bullying at Dunaire Elementary School in Dekalb County. "They called him gay and a snitch,” his stepfather said. “All the time they’d call him this.” He apparently had a notebook filled with notations of his experience.
This tragic tale comes on the heels of the death of Carl Walker-Hoover in Massachusetts, another 11-year-old, who committed suicide on April 10th after enduring months of bullying, including anti-gay slurs, at his school. Carl left a note for his family in which he apologized, told his mother he loved her, and left his video games to his brother.
Everyone seems to be pointing to the school in each case, and their responsibility in keeping bullying at bay. But children are not born ready to bully, and their first words usually are not "gay," "fag," or "queer." Of course, as a lesbian I am sensitive to the fact anti-gay slurs were used in these bully cases, but as a woman I am often irritated by the phrases "don't be a pussy" or "you throw like a girl."
You don't see images of this bullying and these slurs on tv. We don't use them on the radio. Most songs don't depict intense bullying. So where exactly do these bullies get their ammunition? I think at home.
I respect the comments made by Jeff and Bert on air this morning, regarding that most of the boys that follow their "bully leader" are only mimicking what that leader is saying. However, these bully minions still have the need to feel stronger by making others feel weaker. And the bully leaders likely have heard all these slurs they use from their own fathers, uncles, brothers, or grandfathers. These so-called mentors were also likely the bullies in their day. Bert Show listener Katie agrees:
I'm 23-years-old, but I VIVIDLY remember being bullied in school when I was younger. The interesting thing is, most of the kids who bullied me were raised by bullies. Both of my parents went to school with the parents of most of the kids I went to school with. I would come home EVERY day and tell my parents about who was picking on me and I remember them saying 'oh that's so-and-so's son/daughter, his/her father used to pick on kids like that' or 'his/her mother used to play tricks like that on kids.' It is IMPOSSIBLE for these ex-bully parents to understand how kids like (Jaheem) feel - this is where progress to change hits a brick wall!
But the ripple effects on the hearts of the victims don't end in the 5th or 6th grade. It lasts a lifetime, as in the case of Bert Show listener Ray:
I am a 42-year-old male who was bullied from elementary school through high school. I was called fag, queer. What most people do not realize is even though this happened many years ago it still effects me to this day. I am still very insecure about myself and still do not trust my own decisions that I make.
We have got to stop allowing strength in our society to come at the expense of someone else. Especially with our men. I wrote a blog on Relationship Violence nearly 2 years ago, and since then we see continuous examples of men's crisis of identity. Be a man. Be tough. But at what cost?
Jaheem and Carl should be alive today and having fun. But they are not and will never grow up to understand that their situations would change and life would get better.
Have we really lost a sense of community? Are not parents, teachers, friends, and neighbors responsible for each other and ALL to blame for what happened? I think so.
Couldn't agree more. I was so pissed as I listened this morning but couldn't get through. Tweeted jeff, though why I bothered...!
The mother who called and said her son was being bullied and the school wasn't helping. Why doesn't she pull her kid out of the school?!!!
The mom whose son plays football for a bullying coach leaves her son in the league.
And these were parents who supposedly "care" about their kids.
Bullying is a bad word-- we ought to call it relentless ridiculing. Nobody bullied me but I was ridiculed from kindergarten through 12th grade about my weight. I probably wasn't even that overweight but it didn't matter...these labels, whether gay, or fat, or "be a man, not a pussy," have a way of sticking.
Who will draw the line to protect a child if not a parent? These boys, and a few more who've committed suicide, are gone now. Needless deaths and loss for these families.
You better believe as a parent myself, I would never let my child remain in one of these situations.
It's up to the adults to act like adults and protect our children.
Keep talking about this Melissa! These children need a voice.
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I am not prone to "gays" because God created man from dirt and then woman from man's rib to be partner to man. Not man to man and woman to woman. But I am also not here to judge anyone, that is up to God on your judgement day. I am merely here to say that I do not agree to bullying. I never had to endure it when I went to school and dont feel that the kids of today should have to either. I am one parent who is concerned about what happens in my childrens school. My daughter has had "bully" issues and each time I have delt with it. My oldest son recently had a bully issue and I went to the teacher about it and we delt with it. My kids teachers know that I am one who is about my kids education and if they come home telling me so and so did or said this, I am getting to the bottom of it. The girl who was bullying my daughter, I made it clear to the teachers and principal, if she said or hit my child again I was coming to deal with her myself cause it seemed that my daughter was not the first she bullied. If I got to get onto someone elses child, it means that their parents are NOT disciplining them at home for their behavior. I send my kids to school for and education NOT to be bullied by ANYONE!!! I try to be the parent that teaches God's ways and if it glorifys God then go for it. But God never got ugly or faught other humans so why is it now we think that is the only way to be? He never called people names so why do we? Your heart is what makes you the person you are, not what color your skin is or if you can fight. If you have a pure heart then your one of the great ones, but if you have a heart of hatred, then you need to figure out that it is caused at home somewhere and deal with it.
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Bravo, Ms. Carter!!!
You probably already knew about this but I sent you the link last night because all the news channels just reported it as bullying without mentioning the gay slurs.
I find it quite dishearting that kids this young thought thst they had no other choice but to go this route.
I'm a 46 yearold native Atlantan and I endured many of the same teases and taunts. Fortunately - I survived but as a gay activist, I really had trouble sleeping last night after hearing this story.
I'm not sure what the answer is for reaching out to the younger generation, but i know it's there and I can only hope that it is found. I truly fear that there are more of these incidents to follow. Especially as we as a community strive for equal rights.
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Melissa,
I was so heartbroken when I heard the news that a child killed himself because of bullying. I was horrified when further news came out that he was called "fag" or queer. Your comment on the show stating that the root problem is there is something wrong with males being effeminate needs to be further discussed. Why is that a problem?
You are correct in stating that these behaviors are learned and often times encouraged at home. Children act out what they see in the home and in this case these children were taught some very bias attitudes which manifested in bullying.
My 14 y.o. niece and her friend were laughing and talking about a girl who they believed was gay because she liked football and basketball. Her parents sat her down and explained to her what she was saying and doing to this other child is wrong, mean and hurtful. I believe the bullying attitude and behaviors start and can end in the home.
I pray for those two families who have lost their sons. I wish them peace. I also wish and hope for tolerance for all people.
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when i first heard about this it was just about the 8 year old. i didnt hear about the 11 year old. till this day i still cant believe it. its amazing how these kids get younger and younger. what still pisses me off is that the other kids use the words "gay" and "faggot" to bully another classmate who is not even a teenager. i was well in my 10th grade year of high school when i first started hearing my friends call one another gay, lesbian, and other names of such. as a lesbian myself, it pisses me off to hear my brother in law teach my nephew who is not even two yet to say the word faggot. i agree with melissa. all this starts at home and mainly from the male figure of the house hold. the parents of the boys *and girls* of the bullies in these cases need to really teach their children some manners and should give him a good whipping. i feel sorry for the mothers and family of the two boys. i have a son of my own and it would kill me to lose him and to something this stupid...
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My son is a 9-year-old with Asperger's Syndrome. Because of his intense interest in one subject, Pokemon, he is constantly made fun of at school, and just recently, because he gave his little brother a hug and a kiss and a pat on the head on the bus, the kids started calling him gay, too. My son understands that isn't a name to call people, as it is disrespectful to those who are actually gay. My brother-in-law is gay, my ex-sister-in-law is gay, and we teach our children love for one another. I definitely believe part of the problem lies with the schools: They just aren't doing enough to stop the bullies before they gather their group of minions who join in on bullying the children who appear to be weak. But also, it starts at home. Because I don't teach my child hate, because I don't teach my child intolerance, because my children regard each other as not only siblings, but best friends, worth of a hug at the end of the day, they are regarded as weak by the children who are taught intolerance, selfishness, and hate. Whether the parents turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to what their children are doing or whether they really teach those things to their children, both make those parents as responsible for those childrens' deaths as the school and the bullies themselves. I realize that parents and children are overloaded these days. But there is always, ALWAYS, enough time to teach your children right from wrong. Those two children, and countless others who won't leave the house because of being bullied or other children who have been killed by or have committed suicide because of being bullied should still be alive. It isn't fair. But also I think it's up to the parents of the bullied to stand up for their child, to show their child that they always have their back, and to remind them that some people just don't know any better. Every time I hear of an instance with my sons, I'm right up in the face of administration. I will not have my sons be a statistic. If my children know nothing else about me, they will know that I'm behind them 100%, committed to their safety and happiness. This just really struck a chord with me. Thank you for discussing it on the air and raising awareness about the problem.
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