Melissa Times

The Forest Whitaker Effect

2010-03-12T12:28:00Z

I love Forest Whitaker. I always enjoy the characters he plays and am happy to see his career soar from Fast Times at Ridgemont High to winning the Best Actor Oscar for Last King of Scotland.

But let's be honest. He's got a Lazy Lid over one eye.

This became a topic of conversation during our recent Oscar Party, and I'm bringing it up today since Mr. Whitaker has a new movie in theaters this weekend.

You may begin to get defensive at where I'm taking this. I have no problem with the fact that this fine actor has a Lazy Lid. My issue is that Hollywood would never allow a woman with the same unique facial characteristic to appear on screen without it being part of the role.

Other actors come to mind when it comes to distinguishing marks on their faces. Take Tommy Flanagan (Gladiator, Sin City) and Joaquin Phoenix:

Both have facial scars and haven't suffered in their careers because of it.

As my friends and I were analyzing the beautiful gowns on the Academy's red carpet, and how the glamorous female actors ranked in our fashion critique, we were forced to verbalize the double standard we were contributing to that night. Women have to be pretty to be taken seriously in Hollywood, while men's talent rises above any physical "flaws" they may have.

But there was one great leading lady that successfully took the stage at the Oscars, donning a scar of her own - Tina Fey.

Even though Tina Fey is taken seriously in Hollywood for her talent, I seriously doubt a woman with a much more noticeable facial scar would be on screen for very long if at all.

My Oscar Ballot

2010-03-06T22:17:00Z

Since we're having friends over for the Oscars, with a little competition taking place, here is my ballot. This way I get public credit if I get a lot correct. Here are the biggies:

Leading Actor: Jeff Bridges, "Crazy Heart

Supporting Actor: Christopher Plummer, "The Last Station"

Leading Actress: Carey Mulligan, "An Education"

Supporting Actress: Mo'Nique, "Precious"

Animated Feature: "Up"

Directing: "The Hurt Locker"

Screenplay, Adapted: "Precious"

Screenplay, Original: "Inglourious Basterds"

Picture: "Avatar"

Feel free to debate, and Happy Oscars!

UPDATE - Well, I did not win our competition - but got 11 right. Will have to watch those Shorts next time to help give me an edge.

Asians, Homos, and Jews, Oh My!

2010-03-02T15:24:00Z

Her words, not mine. I'm talking about Miss Richfield 1981. If you are a frequent traveller to Provincetown than I'm sure you've caught her show there before. While on the syndicated show, "Radio with a Twist," I had the pleasure of seeing Miss Richfield 1981 during Carnival. And this weekend she is bringing her show to Atlanta at the Woodruff Arts Center!

If you've never been to a drag show this is a great introduction. And even if you have been to a drag show, Miss Richfiled 1981 is nothing like you've seen before.

Click here to learn more about Miss Richfield 1981, and to get your tickets for this weekend's show here!

Most Unfortunate Names for Towns & Cities

2010-02-26T13:02:00Z

I have made jokes on air many times that if I ever left Atlanta, I would have to steal one of the Beaver Ruin Road signs in Gwinnett County before I left. I quietly laugh every time Wendy reports on traffic on that road because I think the name is hilarious.

But what if your CITY's name was something to laugh at? You see above the names of Weiner, Hooker, and Wetwang. Makes even our hated nickname of "Hotlanta" not sound so bad.

To see more town names and their signs, click here.

Bert's Big Adventure 2010

2010-02-20T01:02:00Z

Here my photo blog of Bert's Big Adventure...

For professional photos of the trip, click here. And see samplings of our Saturday Night Dance Party with the Disney characters here and here!

And thank you to Jim Ellis Audi of Atlanta for my sweet ride to Orlando!!

Five Inventions We Owe To The Space Program

2010-02-17T15:09:00Z

Today is the beginning of a new NASA Tweetup in Houston!

The gathering takes place in the shadow of budget cuts in the space program. NASA planned to put another man on the moon in the next decade, but the cost equaled $100 billion. So, President Obama cut the plan when he sent his new budget to Congress. Was that the wrong decision?

To help with that debate, here are FIVE INVENTIONS WE OWE TO THE SPACE PROGRAM, thanks to AskMen.com:

1) GPS. NASA researchers originally developed it as a space-based navigation system for the military. And it was used to increase the accuracy of satellite-guided missiles. But now you've probably got it on your cell phone.

2) Memory Foam. NASA needed a new material that would make liftoffs and landings easier on the astronauts' bodies. Now we get it use it for a better night's sleep in our own homes.

3) Invisible Braces. They're made up from a special material that's stronger than steel and doesn't stain. NASA developed it, and the military used it on heat-seeking missiles.

4) Cordless Power Tools. The astronauts needed lightweight equipment that had a decent battery life. Black and Decker was already working on it when NASA got involved. But that's when the technology started getting a lot better.

5) Cat Scans. During the Apollo missions in the 1960s, scientists needed a way to digitally enhance pictures of the moon. That technology eventually evolved into CAT scans and MRIs, which are used to help diagnose cancer and many other diseases.

So, was the NASA budget cut the right decision?

To learn more about Houston's NASA Tweetup, go here and be sure to follow them on Twitter (#nasatweetup)!

How WE Got to Drive DALE, JR. Around!

2010-02-15T03:01:00Z

My girlfriend, Katie Jo, loves her NASCAR. And her Dale, Jr. And her Dale, Sr. for that matter. So when she introduced me to the world of NASCAR a few years ago it was a requirement for me to honor that family tradition as well. She got us Daytona 500 tickets for Valentine's Day, and a nice cottage to stay in for the weekend, and I took advantage of an opportunity to have something extra-special happen for her.

One of my best friends is married to a Chevy dealer (West Chevrolet) in Knoxville. Through them I met Kelli Sheffler, who invited Katie and me to drive one of the NASCAR drivers around the track for introductions at the Daytona 500. We accepted, not knowing who our driver would be, but feeling it an honor to drive any one of them around the track once before the race began. But Katie's dream by far would be to meet Dale, Jr.

Our Valentine's morning began with an early meeting before the race to get instructions on what we were about to do. That is Kelli giving us those instructions.

All of us drivers, which included Chevy dealers from around the country, were trammed through the tunnel into the infield.

There we found our line of trucks, ready to pick up the drivers. We got to choose which truck to drive, but learned from some veterans there that the NASCAR drivers would load into the trucks based on how they placed for the race. We tried to choose according to Dale, Jr.'s position.

Katie drove, and I rode shotgun. I figured if we did get Dale, Jr. in the truck he wouldn't be offended by my Danica Patrick hat, since she drives for his team.

Our procession headed toward Pit Road, where we would pick up the NASCAR guys. Notice the handles in the back window of the trucks ahead of us. That is what the drivers hold on to as they stand to wave at the crowds.

We finally learned our driver was indeed Dale, Jr. as he climbed into the cab of our truck! Katie concentrated on her required speed of 25mph, but I must say she kept her cool pretty well while I was the one who was about to freak out.

A Bert Show listener just happened to take this picture before he knew it was us in the truck.

But if you look closely at his picture, you'll notice my stealth attempts at taking Little E's picture outside the passenger window.

However, that's how I took the following pictures:

As we drove around the track we were fascinated by the banking! (Look how it slants above the yellow line. They are almost on their side while driving.) Later we were a little somber heading around Turn 4 - where Dale, Sr. died.

But Dale, Jr. seemed at ease despite the chilly temperatures in Daytona that day.

If this next picture had sound, you would hear: "D-A-L-E!"

He was kind enough to stop and shake Katie's hand before heading to his car.

And he and the #88 Chevy ended up finishing 2nd in the 2010 Daytona 500! Katie felt she was a little bit of a good luck charm for him.

Thank you, Kelli, and West Chevrolet. Without you guys I would have never gotten to see Katie get the chance of a lifetime.

Why Men Are Never Depressed

2010-02-11T23:39:00Z

A listener sent this to me, and I thought it was worth passing along...

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED - Men are just happier people. What do you expect from such simple creatures?

You last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white t-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

Same work, same pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5,000. Tux rental $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A 5-day vacation only requires one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a 3-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

My Eyes, MY EYES!!! How Do You Cure Swollen Eyes After a Good Cry?

2010-02-04T21:13:00Z

Damn is right. (I heard your thoughts.) This is what I saw in the mirror this morning when I awoke, after a big cry last night. I took a picture to document the sexy metamorphosis.

I shared on The Bert Show this morning how, like most women, I have a good big cry every once and awhile and last night was that time. When I went to bed I tried to use ice and a cold washcloth to keep the above from happening but my efforts were in vain. So I asked listeners what remedies they use for these emergency situations. Here is the list they came up with both on-air and via e-mail:

Cold Mayo

Cucumbers

Preparation H

Green tea bags

Coffee filter with the grounds still inside

Mary Kay Indulge Soothing Eye Gel

Garnier eye roller

Bath and Body Works Gel Mask

Take a cotton t-shirt and fold it in half. Then make a peace sign with both hands and press the t-shirt to the corners of your eyes. Then lean over. It soaks up the tears.

Keep a couple of spoons in the freezer. When you need them pull them out and put the spoon-side down on your eyes.

If you have more ideas let me know before I make a trip to Publix to stock all this in my cabinet or fridge for next *sniff* time.

And don't feel alone! One husband decided to start a website based on his wife's tears over movies. Click here to see it. It will make you feel better.

Does Pants On The Ground Take On A Whole New Meaning In The...Pokey?

2010-02-02T09:57:00Z

Pants on the ground, pants on the ground, looking like a FOOL with your pants on the ground...

The whole world knows Atlanta's own General Larry Platt after his infamous performance on "American Idol." He even made an appearance at the Grammys last weekend.

His lyrics, of course, have to do with some guys who like to show their underwear while their pants sag. This trend has even forced some schools and communities to consider rules banning the practice.

But despite the fact these guys don saggy pants in order to be cool, there is a debate on what true signal they are sending.

There isn't much controversy on where the look came from - prison. Since prisoners are not issued belts, and their pants aren't made to custom fit the incarcerated, their pants tend to be baggy and fall off.

The story goes further for some that it is actually a signal in prison for gay sex. According author J.L. King:

Most of the guys said they were sagging their pants because it was popular but few knew that the "style" came out of prison as a means of brothers signaling that they were looking for sex.

But Snopes claims it's false:

Those who choose to wear their pants this way cite comfort as their motive and so find justification for this imitation of rap stars and felons, two groups perceived as toughly self-sufficient and therefore worthy of emulation.

Regardless of what the meaning is, I agree with General Platt. Put on a belt.

Global Agenda Has Arrived

2010-02-01T05:01:00Z

It seems like just yesterday when I made my New Year's Resolution for 2009 on "The Bert Show" to have my voice in a video game. That's when Hi Rez Studios responded by giving me the honor of being in the game they were developing at the time, called Global Agenda. I outlined everything from the initial invite, to wearing THE SUIT that put me in the game, to revealing my final character in the blogs "Eat My Virtual Laser" and "You Want Me To Wear What?" that you can check out below.

Now Global Agenda is now up and ready to play! We had the Hi Rez folks in studio today (see below) to talk about the launch during our show, and I'll be doing a little giveaway on my Twitter account. (@MelissaCarter) Now you can get in the game and come visit my character in the market area, where I'll be happy to sell you flair for your uniform. But be careful....I may not like it if you don't make a purchase. *Bwahahaha*

Q100 listeners you get a SPECIAL DEAL on the game! Click here to get your code before buying Global Agenda!

To read the blog, "Eat My Virtual Laser," click here...

To read the blog, "You Want Me To Wear What?" click here...

Bert Weiss, Daniel Lilleberg (Hi-Rez), Me (showing my character on my t-shirt), Michal Adam (Hi-Rez), Mick Larkins (Hi-Rez), Jeff Dauler, and Wendy Adams

The Full Moon Is F***ing With My Schedule

2010-01-30T17:39:00Z

There was a full moon this week, and many times people blame that event on strange occurrences in their lives. Now I'm starting to wonder if they are right.

Trying to be the good girlfriend, and utilizing my skills at planning ahead, I ordered Katie Jo's Valentine's Day flower delivery a couple weeks ago from an online florist I had not used before. So imagine my surprise when I got an e-mail confirming their delivery...IN JANUARY. Katie wasn't sure what to do with them, and wondered if it was a joke or my mistake, but watered them and put the display on her desk at work. After a few harsh e-mails back and forth between me and the FlorisT anD a half-hour on the phone, they admitted it was their mistake and reluctantly refunded my money.

I was set to meet with a non-profit in town for lunch, since they wanted some feedback on an upcoming fundraiser. I volunteered my time between the Bert Show and an afternoon meeting and headed to the restaurant where I arrived first. I picked up a menu, sat at a table, and waited. And waited. For 30 minutes. Salvaging the trip I grabbed some food-to-go and went back to work for the other meeting. I later learned the person I was meeting arrived after I had left, and I'm still not sure why they were so late.

I made back-to-back doctor appointments since they were near each other. The first visit was with someone new and one I expected to be a quick consultation. I filled out the paperwork, donned a hospital shirt, and waited. And waited. I heard the doctor open every door in the hallway but mine and talk to every patient but me. After nearly 2 hours, yes 2 hours, and well past my next appointment, I heard one nurse tell another in the hall that the doctor had not been in to see me yet. The second reacted in surprise and came to tell me that I had been forgotten. I at least appreciate his honesty. I explained I was going to dress and try to save my next appointment. They actually asked me to come back afterward to try and see the doctor then. I did not return.

Individually these would not have been out of the ordinary, since things like a mistaken delivery or people running late can happen every day. But to put them in a bundle makes you wonder if you've gone crazy. And when you look up at the sky and see that bright lunar disc shining on your bizarre experience, you realize you temporarily are. Or everyone else is.

Guest Blogger Charlie Schinderwolf, And How His Band Played The Orange Bowl

2010-01-27T05:01:00Z

People don't always believe me when I tell then that I was in a band back in 1977 and we played a sold out show at the Orange Bowl in Miami.

BUT IT'S TRUE.

Well OK that is not the whole story. In 1977 I was a sophomore in High School and also in the Marching Band. I know that makes me a band nerd but I fought the stereotype all I could.

My high school was among a BUNCH of high school bands asked to participate in the half time show for a University of Miami game and we got to go out on the field and play plus the game was sold out.

I don't remember a lot about that weekend except - The buses smelled, we stayed at a Holiday Inn and we partied at the IHOP after the show (I mean the game). The reason I don't remember much is remember it was the 70's and I think a clarinet player had given me some Quaaludes.

The main part I remember is it was like being in a weird foreign movie when we descended at the IHOP. If you have never been in an IHOP at midnight with a 120 member marching band which included a full complement of Dancerettes and Flag Girls with lacquered wigs, drag queen make-up, capes and tap boots. Trust me it is weird. The closest other memory I have occurred about 10 years later at an intown Krystal on Halloween night at 3:00 AM.

So - I'm Sticking with my story. My Band Played The Orange Bowl in '77.

See the original post on his Blog, "I Am Dazed and Confused," here.

And follow Charlie on Twitter and Facebook.

Could The Entire Conan Debacle Be Boiled Down To Simple College Rivalry?

2010-01-26T05:01:00Z

I have to admit, Katie Jo and I were more sympathetic to Conan O'Brien than Jay Leno in the recent "Tonight Show" controversy. Maybe because we thought an innocent bystander (Conan) was getting hit by the bullets of an ego battle (Jay/NBC) and ended up losing the entire war alone. But with over $40 million in veteran's benefits, we think Conan will be just fine.

In the process of seeing it all go down, Katie wanted to find out more about NBC's side and found a detail I didn't hear much about during the sparring: NBC Universal's President and CEO went to school with O'Brien. According to his Wikipedia site, Jeffrey Zucker went to Harvard University and served as the head of their school newspaper, The Harvard Crimson. In that role he had a rivalry with the Harvard Lampoon, headed by none other than Conan O'Brien.

Now of course the first thing I thought was that the love-loss in Cambridge must have translated to Los Angeles! But then I realized since Zucker was promoted to his current position in 2007, he actually helped place Conan in the "Tonight Show" slot, and made the fateful decision to oust Leno from that seat.

Oh well. So much for continuing the drama. But I do find it interesting that two college kids from the East Coast over two decades ago are still entangled in competition today as part of, as the Los Angeles Times called it, "one of the biggest debacles in television history." It pays never to burn your bridges.

Want to See The First Legal Shady Lady Gigolo In The U.S.?

2010-01-25T13:17:00Z

Ladies, he has arrived at work. The first legal gigolo in the country has started working at a brothel in Nevada.

The Shady Lady Ranch recently won approval for their so-called prosti-DUDE, named Markus. He had his first appointments over the weekend.

I Like Piercings, But Do I Have To See Your Mouth In The Process?

2010-01-22T16:50:00Z

I have no problem with piercings, sometimes wishing I were young enough to get more and look cool. But I have to say this window into one's mouth is a little extreme for even me:

What do you think?

Where Did The Gatorade Shower Tradition Begin?

2010-01-08T15:50:00Z

If you were yawning like me this morning, after staying up late to watch the Alabama Crimson Tide beat the Texas Longhorns for the BCS Championship, you also saw the Gatorade Shower of Coach Nick Saban that almost turned into a tackle by the pouring players.

But when did this wet tradition actually begin?

According to Mental Floss, the origins of the Gatorade shower is up for debate but the one who gets the most credit is Jim Burt of the New York Giants. He apparently had the idea for the prank while the Giants were struggling during the 1985 season. Then head coach Bill Parcells had been on Burt before a game against the Washington Redskins, and when the Giants won that game Burt playfully dumped a cooler of Gatorade on Parcells.

Read more about who hated the tradition - and when it turned dangerous - here....

Mother Places Wig On Her Infant

2009-12-15T11:10:00Z

A mother says she got really sick and tired of her baby being so bald.

So she gave her daughter a wig. A lace front wig. According to Mom: "I wouldn't be caught dead without my lace front and my baby won't either."

Read more here....

For a Stress-Free Christmas Get Rid of The Mother-In-Law

2009-12-03T15:44:00Z

That's what Holiday Inn is telling it's British customers, by offering a special room rate for mother-in-laws!

Families who would like to celebrate a stress-free holiday can check their mother-in-law into a Holiday Inn for a 25% discount, effective December 23-29th.

Learn more about it here.

Woman's Letter Returned to Announce Her Son Was Dead

2009-12-02T10:42:00Z

A woman in Minnesota is suing the U.S. Postal Service after she mailed a letter to her son, who is a soldier in Iraq. I was apparently returned with the word Deceased stamped in red ink on the envelope.

She is suing for monetary damages, but the amount won't be determined until she goes to court.

Read more about this here.